I need an Orkin Man!

So my most recent analogy about boys and dates is that I feel like I have thrown a snap-n-pop on the ground and it didn't do anything. It was a dud. And I know you remember how pissed off that made you as a kid. Unless said pop was being thrown at you, and in that case you were grateful. But that's another story altogether. So, to update the dating situation...saturday night was a dud. Please talk to me if you're sitting across the table from me. Act interested even if you're not. Please. And if you're gonna act like you have no idea what's going on, don't ask for a kiss. Because as you found out, I'm gonna say no. And that will be the end of it. If by some chance I stay the night at your house, please flush the toilet after you've gone #2 ok? I don't care if it makes the shower water get really hot or cold. It's gross to not flush that. Because the girl in your bed really doesn't want to see that first thing in the morning, especially if she drank too much the night before and therefore is slightly nauseous. And sometimes, you look really good on paper, but you're just getting on my nerves. If I've been driving and doing shit since 5:30 in the am, and I accept your dinner offer at 7:45, DO NOT get pouty when I'm tired and don't want you all over me with your non-kissing-good lips. I wanna go home and get in my bed and sleep. Don't push your luck. So tonight is another date, and I'm not putting that much hope on this one either. I think it's gonna be one of those that says I'm too serious and uptight. Whatever.

So...I was thinking today about the type of person I want, besides the stuff on the list, like, moments that I would like to have with someone. Sitting on the couch on rainy nights watching a movie and it leading to more...laughing at really silly movies...understanding when I've had a long day and just want to sit on the couch or in the bed and read in the quietness...asking me if I need anything when you get up to go in the kitchen...standing in the bathroom talking to me when I'm in the shower and knowing when to join me and when not to...holding my hand when we're in the car...lazy sundays with coffee and the paper...paying attention when I read out loud something I think is interesting...having a political opinion...respect...hard work...liking me for my mind and personality...I think I could go on and on, but I"m gonna stop.

I swear, boys are like termites!

As in, the ones you don't like just keep coming out of the woodwork! Let's see here...my life could be Carrie's, I swear. First we have Shawn (some names have been changed). The love of my life. Or so I thought. Now he's just a crazy psycho texting-nonstop and calling my mom freak. Wish he would go away. Next we have David, who is married to Sarah. We happened to be friends before they got married and apparently marriage isn't an issue to him. Haven't talked to him in ages and then he texts tonight. And here's the match.com guys...Adam says he's five foot nine and then turns out to be as tall as me. maybe. Just couldn't get past that one. Mark tells me how good a guy he is over a starbucks. Creepy. Like, let me figure that out lol. Jason...just not cute and too loud. Then we have Daniel. thought he was the one. apparently, I was not the only girl that thought the same thing. And it turns out he's still in love with his 18 year old ex. So now his facebook status says "engaged to Stephanie Hoffman" Lovely. Then we have the guys from back home. Scott is your typical redneck. Thinks he's God's gift to women. He looks like he's NOT. He's really close-minded and that gets old. Alan...met him on match and he felt the need to show me his dick on his webcam. Jeremy...brother of a former friend. Great in the bed but soooo full of himself. And no amount of vodka will change that, either on his part or on my perception of that. So the potentials right now...Brian, from match. he's a lot younger but has his shit together more than Harris Wallace would dream of. All of the potentials have degrees and good jobs. Kevin is super hot. Actually lives right around the corner. Might be a little on my nerves once we meet though. And then there's Wes, who I work with, and that should be a lot of fun. No one really knows his story, but I hope to find out. So that's the past six months. I'm about to turn 30 and this is the situation I find myself in. I applied for a PRN job at Baptist today. Hopefully that'll work out. We'll see. 30 is either gonna be really good or really bad...

Savannah, or How I Think I'm Finally Gonna Get My Life on Track

So I had my first planning meeting as President yesterday, and it didn't go as well as I thought it would. Probably because there weren't that may people there and the ones who were didn't really speak up. So I was kinda bummed about that, but Judy and Sue Ann made me feel better. I left Nashville and drove to Savanna to visit Jordan. I haven't seen him in like, months. So I was really excited! I got there and we took the Tracker out to check on his deer stand. That's the most redneck thing I've done in a long time. On the way home we stopped at a Quickstop and I got a Miller Lite tall boy. He brought it out in a paper bag. No Joke. I didn't want to be seen driving down the road drinking out of a paper bag, so I poured it into my Sonic cup. I spilled some in the Geo, which made it smell lovely today, and got an assload of foam in my cup. So I proceeded to drink my beer out of a straw and get a little buzz on, because anyone who knows me knows I'm a lightweight. We got home and he showed me some new guns and bows that he had gotten, and we took some crazy pics of me in a sombrero pointing a .500 Magnum at a deer head. It was classic. We got ready and went to see Tropic Thunder. It wasn't as genius as I thought it was gonna be, but it was very good. We went to some friends of his's house, and I promptly fell asleep, as I tend to do. Got up about 2, went to his house, watched AquaTeen, went to bed and got up around noon. This morning we went and I watched him shoot off the .500 Magnum. It was really loud and I wanted to shoot it but was too scared. Went to Sonic for breakfast/lunch, then I came home. It was a wonderful redneck time.

So last night we were driving across the dam at Pickwick, and got to talking about how we were approaching 30 and felt like we were just waiting on something. I got a little teary because I realized that I'm gonna have to start making things happen for myself instead of waiting for some man to come through and make them happen for me. Mainly, finance wise, I know S isn't going to pay me back that money he owes me. He called my mom yesterday, and that really makes me mad. So I'm gonna see about getting a PRN job at Methodist with Jordan. I've gotten to where I stay up late anyway, so what if I'm working? I'm to the point where there are things I want but I don't have the means to get them. I'm just tired of worrying about money. Like, if my fridge went out, I'd be fucked. So I'm gonna work some more. No big deal. I'm gonna make it happen. Then soon I can sell my house when the market gets better and move downtown. We'll see...

It's raining, it's pouring...

But I'm so NOT snoring, even though my cats are. They tend to do that a lot. So we reeeaaaallly needed this rain, yo. But that means I'll have to get my yard mowed...again. Jeez, I need a man to do this! But that seems to be a whole other post. So work was really good today I guess. I'm so glad Teleana is working there now--she's the most fun ever! And I got some stuff done for the meeting tomorrow, which I'm really nervous about. It will be the first meeting I think I've gone to without Lynn there beside me to help, and that's really scary! I guess this is like the baby bird leaving the nest...and now I find out that like, half the people aren't coming, so I don't know if that's good or bad. I just hope we can get a lot done and I can do a good job as president. We'll see I guess...so I'm going to Savannah tomorrow and staying with Jordan and going to the lake on Sunday. Should be a fun time. Hopefully I won't drink too much! That could be bad in more than one way.

The List

the list
Current mood: sassy

So I was at this conference this past week and I was explaining to everyone that no, my name isn't Wallace anymore, it's Phillips, and no, you are not crazy for being confused, because the truth is the judge said one thing and social security says something else b/c I've been too busy to get it changed. ANYWAY. So I was talking to this vendor and the topic came up and she was all like, "When I started dating again I literally made a list of what I wanted, and wouldn't settle for less". Hmmmmm...so I got to thinking that maybe I should do that so I can at least look at it myself and see that the status quo just isn't cuttin' it. Because obviously I do need some help or assistance in selecting people to have relationships with, as evidenced by the trail of broken bodies I leave in my wake. I'm a maneater lol! So without further ado, here is the list, if anyone cares. If you think this pertains to you or someone you know, applications are being accepted.

1. There must be some degree of hotness. But don't be prettier than me. There is a line there, please don't cross it. As Rebecca and I were saying this weekend, Chris Cornell is hot. And David Cook from American Idol. If you are a tattooed rocker or like to act like one, that would be perfect.

2. Have a job. This is also really high on the list. DO NOT expect me to support you. I have a lipgloss habit that needs my attention and I'm not your mama. It would be nice for YOU to take ME out once in a while. Just because I have a fabulous job does not mean I am rolling in the cash.

3. Niceness would be nice. Don't hate on people just because they are not the same religion, color, gender, or sexual orientation as you are. As my mom always says, "If everyone were like us the world would be a very boring place". Don't be an ass just because you can. Have some manners. Act like you grew up somewhere that didn't involve bare feet and being allowed to go in WalMart with just a swimsuit on. Tone down the redneckness if you are one. Don't say something that could get you shot. Just use the brain, because from now on you are required to HAVE one.

4. Dislikes--don't lick my ears, or do anything to my ears. I hate it, ok? No back hair. No weed smoking. No drinking to excess (and please check with me on my definition of excess, because it is more than likely not what you think). Brush your teeth and wash your face before you go to bed. Shower daily. See, these are not hard things to do, and they don't even require a college degree. Don't say 'bitch' or the c-word or anything derogatory to women, much less me, even if they are being one. It's just not nice. No eating mushrooms. Use proper English and know how to spell.

5. Likes--here's the fun part! Real men will scoop the litter box for you. Real men will fix you dinner once in a while. I love tattoos. I love piercings. Please have a car and drive when we go out. Open doors for me. Love, or at least put up with, my mom and my cats. They are pretty much a package deal with me. Be handy--I don't like to have to fix stuff myself. Mow my yard. Put up your clothes, and if you are a folder, that's even better. Appreciate me. Tell me I'm pretty or hot or beautiful, but never CUTE. That's for 10 year olds. Talk to me. Don't keep things from me or lie. I'm a big girl and can handle pretty much anything you tell me. If you like things I do in private, don't run tell your friends. It's none of their fucking business. On that note, tell me what you like and don't like. Don't be all scared and shit--nothing would surprise me.

6. Ambition and compassion--grow a set. I work at a place that is full of hope but also sometimes full of sorrow. You have to have feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I have a heart, but then I go to work and know that I do. I'm the girl that wants to take in stray animals and give food to homeless people. But not money because I know they're just gonna get drunk with it. Want more from your life than you have. Not necessarily money, because it's not everything, but satisfaction-wise. In other words, don't get in a rut. If you do, for heaven's sake don't stay there. Keep that mind workin. Want to make the world a better place. Turn off lights when you leave the room and recycle.

7. Have a sense of humor. Hopefully somewhere along the lines of mine. I think random stuff is crazy. I am crazy. I have finally gotten to the point where I don't care what people think of me, and will pretty much say whatever comes to mind. I saw a man in the lobby of our hotel last week on a Segway. Seriously? Inside? It was classic. I think stuff like the Daily Show and Colbert are hysterically funny. Because they show how absurd things in the world today really are when you stop to think about it. Don't take yourself so seriously. Embrace your fabulosity.

8. Last but not least--must like sports! Memphis basketball, Tennessee and Colts football, 88, and UFC are all pluses. I'm also going to add 'watch Gossip Girl' to this list. I met someone the other day, and I mentioned it, and they said something to the effect of, "don't make me go all Chuck Bass on you". My mouth fell open because I never expected a guy to say that. But I guess Blake Lively will make guys do things that you never expect. Oh, and you must tolerate the lipgloss addiction, even if you don't support it. Because who doesn't love plump glossy lips???

where have I been?

Ok, so I've gotten the "where have you been?" comment from more than one friend lately, and I thought I would explain myself.  The last week in July/first in August, I was in Washington, DC for the ASCLS Annual Meeting.  ASCLS is the American Society for Clinical Laboratory Science, which is a professional society for medical technologists.  As of August 1, I am Tennessee state President, and Bex has transitioned into the local (MSCLS) society President's position.  These meetings are always SO much fun, because you see people that you haven't seen in a year that have the same interests as you.  And it seems that it's always open bar, so you can get pretty drunk for free.  We were there for a week, and needless to say I was ready to come home.  As soon as I got home, I worked for 3 days and was off again to Kansas City to write test questions for one of our certification exams.  This was basically 3 days of wordsmithing test questions, but I did learn a lot and met some great people.  I'll be on this committee for 3 more years, so I better like it I guess!  I got home last Saturday and was supposed to have a visitor, but he got back with his ex, so I spent the last 4 days home alone on the couch in my pjs.  I did attend a Redbirds game (Monday), go out for sushi with a favorite ex (Tuesday), and play pool and eat pizza (Wednesday).  So all in all, it was a great time off work and helped me get through my little funk.  

I've realized that when I find a boy I like, I tend to stop talking to my friends and such.  I need to stop that and stop acting like my friends are always gonna be there, because there may come a time when they'll just get fed up with my shit and tell me to fuck off.  So as of today, I'm making a promise to myself that I'm not gonna take anyone for granted, and when I get an invite to go somewhere, I'm gonna get up off my lazy, feeling-sorry-for-myself ass and go do something.  Cause you never know what might happen!  And I'm never gonna find Mr. Right OR have fun sitting home alone.  I'm not fabulous enough to do this on my own!