The List

the list
Current mood: sassy

So I was at this conference this past week and I was explaining to everyone that no, my name isn't Wallace anymore, it's Phillips, and no, you are not crazy for being confused, because the truth is the judge said one thing and social security says something else b/c I've been too busy to get it changed. ANYWAY. So I was talking to this vendor and the topic came up and she was all like, "When I started dating again I literally made a list of what I wanted, and wouldn't settle for less". Hmmmmm...so I got to thinking that maybe I should do that so I can at least look at it myself and see that the status quo just isn't cuttin' it. Because obviously I do need some help or assistance in selecting people to have relationships with, as evidenced by the trail of broken bodies I leave in my wake. I'm a maneater lol! So without further ado, here is the list, if anyone cares. If you think this pertains to you or someone you know, applications are being accepted.

1. There must be some degree of hotness. But don't be prettier than me. There is a line there, please don't cross it. As Rebecca and I were saying this weekend, Chris Cornell is hot. And David Cook from American Idol. If you are a tattooed rocker or like to act like one, that would be perfect.

2. Have a job. This is also really high on the list. DO NOT expect me to support you. I have a lipgloss habit that needs my attention and I'm not your mama. It would be nice for YOU to take ME out once in a while. Just because I have a fabulous job does not mean I am rolling in the cash.

3. Niceness would be nice. Don't hate on people just because they are not the same religion, color, gender, or sexual orientation as you are. As my mom always says, "If everyone were like us the world would be a very boring place". Don't be an ass just because you can. Have some manners. Act like you grew up somewhere that didn't involve bare feet and being allowed to go in WalMart with just a swimsuit on. Tone down the redneckness if you are one. Don't say something that could get you shot. Just use the brain, because from now on you are required to HAVE one.

4. Dislikes--don't lick my ears, or do anything to my ears. I hate it, ok? No back hair. No weed smoking. No drinking to excess (and please check with me on my definition of excess, because it is more than likely not what you think). Brush your teeth and wash your face before you go to bed. Shower daily. See, these are not hard things to do, and they don't even require a college degree. Don't say 'bitch' or the c-word or anything derogatory to women, much less me, even if they are being one. It's just not nice. No eating mushrooms. Use proper English and know how to spell.

5. Likes--here's the fun part! Real men will scoop the litter box for you. Real men will fix you dinner once in a while. I love tattoos. I love piercings. Please have a car and drive when we go out. Open doors for me. Love, or at least put up with, my mom and my cats. They are pretty much a package deal with me. Be handy--I don't like to have to fix stuff myself. Mow my yard. Put up your clothes, and if you are a folder, that's even better. Appreciate me. Tell me I'm pretty or hot or beautiful, but never CUTE. That's for 10 year olds. Talk to me. Don't keep things from me or lie. I'm a big girl and can handle pretty much anything you tell me. If you like things I do in private, don't run tell your friends. It's none of their fucking business. On that note, tell me what you like and don't like. Don't be all scared and shit--nothing would surprise me.

6. Ambition and compassion--grow a set. I work at a place that is full of hope but also sometimes full of sorrow. You have to have feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I have a heart, but then I go to work and know that I do. I'm the girl that wants to take in stray animals and give food to homeless people. But not money because I know they're just gonna get drunk with it. Want more from your life than you have. Not necessarily money, because it's not everything, but satisfaction-wise. In other words, don't get in a rut. If you do, for heaven's sake don't stay there. Keep that mind workin. Want to make the world a better place. Turn off lights when you leave the room and recycle.

7. Have a sense of humor. Hopefully somewhere along the lines of mine. I think random stuff is crazy. I am crazy. I have finally gotten to the point where I don't care what people think of me, and will pretty much say whatever comes to mind. I saw a man in the lobby of our hotel last week on a Segway. Seriously? Inside? It was classic. I think stuff like the Daily Show and Colbert are hysterically funny. Because they show how absurd things in the world today really are when you stop to think about it. Don't take yourself so seriously. Embrace your fabulosity.

8. Last but not least--must like sports! Memphis basketball, Tennessee and Colts football, 88, and UFC are all pluses. I'm also going to add 'watch Gossip Girl' to this list. I met someone the other day, and I mentioned it, and they said something to the effect of, "don't make me go all Chuck Bass on you". My mouth fell open because I never expected a guy to say that. But I guess Blake Lively will make guys do things that you never expect. Oh, and you must tolerate the lipgloss addiction, even if you don't support it. Because who doesn't love plump glossy lips???